So while wearing the shirt she bought for me, I called her and told her that we should break up. Not because things were bad – actually they were good with Sophia. If anything I had been the bad part. I had not been the best boyfriend and there was no denying it or hiding it – but she was still fighting for me. So I called and told her I needed someone in my life.
And I did.
I have spent so much time on the road – alone – away from the person I want to be with. And long distance relationships did not work for me. And I would rather break it off on a high note, as we still love each other, care for one another, than in a moment of weakness, I make a mistake as a guy on the road – and ruin what we had.
This was the rules of engagement. When in a relationship, you make sure you are upfront about what you might or might not do. Do not try to hide your feelings. Your fears.
I also wanted to free her up for her to date. She shouldn’t pine away waiting for me. Sophia was attractive, intelligent, and has dozens of men trying to beat down her door.
But I needed to start my life now. I was tired of waiting around. I was tired of not being able to travel and see the world with the person I cared about. I was tired of fighting the Hong Kong immigration department every time she flew in or we took the ferry to and from Macau.
And I was too afraid of engagement. Too afraid of marriage for legal status.
So very cordially, without any bitterness, and without the typical, “It’s not you, it’s me” kind of bullshit, I told her, “I think we should take a break.” Pause. “We need to go forward with our lives.” Another pregnant pause. “And besides, I need someone in my life – instead of having a very sporadic evening phone call over a mobile phone trying to recap 24 hours in a 30 to 35 minute call.”
I told her that I wanted to be alone. Left to my own vices.
And so it was, as I was looking down at the families shopping and the domestics pulling the hands of the children they were keeping through Cityplaza in Taikoo Shing – we settled it. We would break up.
And it was much later that night, close to 1 am, when I was lying in a pool of my own blood with the doors of my apartment’s elevator closing and shutting on my chest – while my legs were sprawled out onto apartment building’s lobby floor did I realize being left alone to my own vices – might mean I might not survive.
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